


Akira is alive and still a bitch

by Cas_actually_writes



Category: Persona 5
Genre: F/F, F/M, Group chat, Let Everyone Say Fuck, Let futaba say fuck, M/M, Multi, chat fic, yes another one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25463242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cas_actually_writes/pseuds/Cas_actually_writes
Summary: It's a chat fic. Starts right after the interrogation. Mostly cannon complaint but i do what i want so.
Relationships: Kurusu Akira/Everyone, Polythieves, Sakura Futaba/Yoshizawa Sumire | Yoshizawa Kasumi, Thieves supporting thieves
Comments: 11
Kudos: 150





	1. No Character deaths allowed

**Author's Note:**

> So this is set right after the Investigation. Mostly jokey, might add in pairings we'll see. There is a blink and you miss it Shukita. Might also write more but no promises

**Akira** : I lived bitch.

 **Akira:** I’m a bad bitch you can’t kill me

 **Ann** : Motherfucker. Not for long you don’t

 **Akira** : Hey I just died be nice to me

 **Akira:** Related my phone is on like twenty percent because those savages didn’t charge it so if I go silent I probably died.

 **Makoto:** Akira.

 **Akira:** Too soon?

 **Yusuke:** Yes.

 **Futaba:** Hey fuckers. Akira is alive and still a bitch

 **Akira** : Yeah thanks gremlin

 **Akira:** Were you listening in?

 **Futaba:** What do you take me for?

 **Futaba:** Of course I was.

 **Futaba:** was watching the security footage too

 **Futaba** : which I then deleted, the bits you were talking in. You’re welcome.

 **Akira:** oof

 **Ryuji:** I’m glad you’re okay man

 **Futaba:** define okay

 **Akira:** don’t be a fucking snitch

 **Akira:** snitches get stiches

 **Futaba:** I’d like to see you try

 **Makoto:** What do you two mean?

 **Futaba:** Akira took a beating

 **Akira:** It’s not that bad.

 **Futaba:** you sure bout dat

 **Akira:** I’ll be fine. Tae’s a fucking miracle worker

 **Makoto:** Obviously, I want you to seek medical attention if you need it but are you sure it’s wise to go to visit right now?

 **Akira:** She literally already knows about the Phantom Thief thing

 **Akira** : Did not buy that I was getting medicine by the armful for studying.

 **Ann** : And you guys say I’m a bad actor.

 **Akira** : you try coming up with a convincing lie with no illegal activity for why you need fifty reviadrns

 **Akira** : there is none.

 **Yusuke** : I suppose it is a difficult sell

 **Makoto** : How many people does that make who know now?

 **Akira** : uhhh

 **Akira** : more than you’d like

 **Ann** : you’re dodging the question

 **Akira** : LISTEN

 **Makoto** : How many people? :)

 **Akira** : I just died

 **Akira** : don’t speak ill of the dead

 **Futaba** : Makoto’s about to kill you for real

 **Akira** : If it makes you feel better except for Sojiro they only know about me

 **Ryuji** : Dude you get on my case for blabbing

 **Akira** : I DIDN’T TELL ANYONE THO

 **Akira** : They all figured it out

 **Ann** : oh my god how many people know?

 **Akira** : …give me a second

 **Akira** : Hifumi, Iwai (gun dealer. I feel like this one was inevitable) Tae, Chihaya

 **Ann** : Akira that’s a lot.

 **Akira** : …I’m not done yet

 **Akira** : Kasumi, Maruki (neither of those are my fault), Kawakami, Ohya

 **Ann** : Okay but why the fuck does our home room teacher know?

 **Akira** : Long story

 **Akira** : Mishima, Shinya, Yoshida

 **Ryuji** : bro.

 **Akira** : Sorry?

 **Akira** : Also Sae. But considering she’s breaking me out of jail currently…

 **Futaba** : how have you survived this long, unreported.

 **Akira** : I’m charming.

 **Futaba** : also you say they only know you but uh…

 **Akira** : oh god what

 **Futaba** : Sae fucking pegged us all as PT members.

 **Futaba** : You only hang out with one group Akira.

 **Futaba** : once they figure you out it isn’t hard to figure out everyone else

 **Makoto** : Sis knows about all of us?

 **Akira** : except Morgana

 **Akira** : I mean I denied it when she asked

 **Akira** : but we both know I was lying

 **Futaba:** And he did mention he had a talking cat

 **Futaba** : You should have heard what he said when she asked about Yusuke.

 **Yusuke** : What do you mean by that?

 **Akira** : Futaba I will end you.

 **Akira** : I might have a broken rib, but I’ll still kick your ass

 **Haru** : Are you okay Akira?

 **Akira** : ha ha.

 **Akira** : No.

 **Ryuji:** How’d you even break a rib?

 **Akira:** Police brutality

**Several people are typing…**

**Akira:** guys chill I’m okay

 **Akira:** and I don’t even know if it is broken, we’re not at Tae’s yet

 **Akira:** it was just a joke

 **Futaba:** listen the security camera’s footage was pretty shitty but

 **Futaba:** if at least one rib isn’t broken you’re a superhuman

 **Ann:** what even happened in that investigation room?

 **Futaba:** I found our next target after head fuckface.

 **Haru:** I’m on board!

 **Yusuke:** As am I

 **Akira:** guys I don’t even know his name

 **Haru:** Then we can just deal with him the old-fashioned way :)

 **Akira:** Haru no.

 **Ryuji:** Hey Futaba did you get a picture of that bastards face

 **Akira:** Ryuji no.

 **Futaba:** I did actually

 **Akira:** Futaba no.

 **Makoto:** as tempting as that may be…

 **Akira:** Makoto no.

 **Makoto:** We cannot afford to assault police officers.

 **Akira:** We’re at Tae’s gotta go

 **Akira:** Makoto please make sure nobody gets an assault charge while I’m away

 **Makoto:** I’ll try.

 **Futaba:** Sojiro’s calling me???

 **Haru:** Is that truly surprising?

 **Futaba:** It is in the middle of the day??

 **Futaba:** oh fuck am I in trouble???

 **Ann:** …guys

 **Ann:** guys we forget to tell him

 **Futaba:** tell him what?

 **Ann:** the plan.

 **Futaba:** Still doesn’t explain why he’s calling me??

 **Ann:** Futaba it’s already on the news

 **Futaba:** OH SHIT

 **Ryuji:** f

 **Futaba:** OH FUCK HE RAN HOME

 **Ryuji:** you’re in trouble _now_.

 **Haru:** I think he is worried about how you’re taking the news

 **Futaba:** GTG

 **Futaba:** PRAY FOR ME

 **Makoto:** He is worried about you dealing with the death of a friend. When you explain it to him, I’m sure he’ll be relieved.

 **Yusuke:** I’m surprised all of us forgot to mention it to boss.

 **Haru:** We were all a little busy, with all the worry

 **Makoto:** Anyway. We’re meeting up at Leblanc, right?

 **Yusuke:** Yes. Even though we have received conformation it was successful. I think all of us would appreciate seeing Akira in person.

 **Ann:** And we need to talk about our next move.

 **Futaba:** I’m not dead. Sojiro was like all out of breath and he looked so worried but it’s okay now. He wasn’t even mad

 **Futaba:** But he did say ‘How the FUCK do you forget something like that’

 **Ann:** He has a point


	2. Akira look after yourself for fucks sake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a super big fan of this chapter but tbh this is just a memey fully for fun fic so...

**Ann created a chat**

**Ann added Makoto, Ryuji, Futaba, Haru, Yusuke,**

**Ann named the chat Make Akira Practise Self Care**

**Ann:** I swear to god, motherfucker is gonna try to go the palace with two broken ribs.

 **Makoto:** As dire as our situation is, it’s important to take care of ourselves and Akira needs to recover

 **Futaba:** Maybe I can make him chill with me in Prometheus

 **Yusuke:** Is that possible?

 **Futaba:** Idk

 **Futaba:** But y’know worth a shot

 **Haru:** Maybe we could try to convince him to delay the infiltration?

 **Ryuji:** Listen I’m in support of looking after Akira.

 **Ryuji:** But man, there is no way we’ll get him to wait

 **Yusuke:** He can be quite stubborn

**Brain Cell Thieves**

**Akira:** Hey guys Palace today? Considering how hard finding the keywords were?

 **Akira:** So, you know, it might take a While

**Make Akira Practise Self Care**

**Ryuji:** Told ya.

**Brain Cell Thieves**

**Makoto:** Akira.

 **Akira:** Makoto

 **Makoto:** Akira. You’re injured. And the palace has to be the most dangerous yet.

 **Akira:** And?

 **Makoto:** We should wait.

 **Akira:** We don’t have time.

 **Akira:** Besides the Metaverse is weird and I won’t even feel it probably

 **Makoto:** …

 **Ann:** …

 **Futaba:** That’s, not, how that. Works.

 **Akira:** You don’t know that.

 **Ann:** Even if that’s true.

 **Ann:** We should still wait

 **Akira:** Okay listen I get it

 **Akira:** But we’ve only got so much time

 **Akira:** And I think it’s only a matter of time before Akechi finds out

 **Ann:** Ew.

 **Futaba:** Okay but only if you hang back.

 **Futaba:** You can chill with me and Prometheus

 **Futaba:** And only join the battle if really needed.

 **Akira:** …

 **Futaba:** …

 **Akira:** …

 **Ann:** …

 **Makoto:** …

 **Akira:** This is a mutiny.

 **Futaba:** Viva Revolution

 **Akira:** FINE

**Make Akira Practise Self Care**

**Futaba:** VICTORY

**Brain Cell Thieves**

**Ann:** So, uh, the fuck was with that whole mouse thing

 **Futaba:** Inari don’t even dare.

 **Akira:** I told you Shido would be a little bitch

 **Akira:** Anyway, are you guys gonna let me fight tomorrow

 **Ryuji:** Dude.

 **Akira:** Bro

 **Ann:** No.

 **Ann:** Only once your ribs are okay.

 **Akira:** They are okay

 **Ann:** broken,,, does not equal okay.

 **Akira:** No pierced lung tho

 **Makoto:** But a sprained leg.

 **Ryuji:** And that’s not even mentioning your face.

 **Akira:** …

 **Akira:** Just because you’re right doesn’t mean you’re interesting

 **Ryuji:** Okay but seriously what the eff was with the whole Mouse thing again

 **Akira:** It’s okay Ryuji you’re safe here. you can swear.

 **Ryuji:** Okay.

 **Ryuji:** What the Fuck was with that bullshit

 **Akira:** Ryuji what the fuck

 **Yusuke:** It truly takes a sick mind to see everyone as so beneath you, they become mice

**Akira Changed Makoto’s Name to Mousekoto**

**Mousekoto:** Akira.

 **Futaba:** im going to feed you your toes

 **Akira:** Yusuke do you have any mice puns for the others?

 **Yusuke:** I will have to think about it

**Akira Changed Yusuke’s name to Mouse Man**

**Futaba:** THAT’S NOT EVEN A PUN

 **Akira:** I do what I want

 **Futaba:** Don’t forget.

 **Akira:** oh god

 **Futaba:** youre stuck with me in prometheus for tomorrow

 **Akira:** Guys I think that might be worse for my health than backflipping onto shadows

 **Ryuji:** Listen I don’t doubt Futaba has her ways.

 **Ryuji:** But if she _can_ beat you up

 **Ryuji:** You deserve to be beat up

 **Futaba:** watch it. or youre next

 **Ryuji:** Try me gremlin

 **Akira:** I dont think you wanna challenge her Ryuji

 **Akira:** no restraint. She’ll go for your eyes. And balls

 **Akira:** and she’s gotten a lot better at not chewing her nails so

 **Ann:** the sacrifices you make when you’re gay

 **Ryuji:** you don’t even have a girlfriend???

 **Ann:** Shut.

 **Ann:** I can dream

 **Mousekoto:** Akira can you please change my name back.

 **Akira:** No.

 **Mousekoto:** Change my name back.

 **Akira:** …

 **Mousekoto:** …

 **Akira:** How do you still manage to be threating with the name Mousekoto?

 **Mousekoto:** …

 **Akira:** FINE

**Akira changed Mousekoto’s name to Makoto**

**Makoto:** :)

**Akira:** Tae said it should only be a week before my ribs are healed

 **Akira:** I’ll be back to backflipping in no time

 **Akira:** Then you’ll all be sorry.

 **Futaba:** Thank fuck.

 **Akira:** HEY

 **Makoto:** I’m glad to here you’ll be able to lead us once again soon.

**Make Akira Practise Self Care**

**Makoto:** …I hate to imply our leader would lie about such a thing but…

 **Futaba:** But he totally would

 **Makoto:** What I was going to say was, do you think we should double check with Tae?

 **Futaba:** Yes, but Not it.

 **Ryuji:** YOUR CLOSEST

 **Futaba:** dont wanna

 **Haru:** Im going over to have Boss try my coffee and visit Akira. I’ll talk to Tae on the way

 **Makoto:** Thank you Haru

**Haru:** He wasn’t lying but he also still shouldn’t be backflipping after a week

 **Haru:** Also I think she’ll tell Akira I asked but idk

 **Haru:** She seemed pretty determined to keep confidentiality

 **Haru:** Till I mentioned why I wanted to know.

 **Makoto:** I don’t think we’ll be able to stop him from fighting

 **Makoto:** But maybe convince him to take it slow

 **Futaba:** I mean,,, if he rebreaks them in the meta verse

 **Futaba:** Mona or you can heal him

 **Makoto:** Thankfully.


	3. nicknames, because it was going to happen eventually

**Brain cell Thieves**

**Ann:** I will never understand straight people

 **Ann:** Also fuck you Akira for not rescuing me

 **Ann:** I was giving you The Look the ENTIRE TIME and you did NOTHING

 **Akira:** Sorry?

 **Akira:** They were just talking about celebrity crushes? I didn’t realise you needed help? I didn’t want to interrupt you??

 **Ann:** Not about ones I could relate to!!!

 **Ann:** It was all stupid men

 **Akira:** But youre bi?????

 **Ann:** Unlike them I have decent taste in men

**Crush on Akira Support group**

**Ryuji:** I mean, do you tho?

 **Ann:** Shut up

**Brain cell Thieves**

**Akira:** Fair

 **Akira:** The names I heard we’re pretty bad

 **Akira:** and we all know my standards are low

**Crush on Akira Support group**

**Ann:** AND YET

 **Ann:** Ryuji I know you’re active im begging you help me

 **Ann:** Im dying

**Brain Cell Thieves**

**Ryuji:** Yeah didn’t you want to fuck Akechi at one point?

**Crush on Akira Support group**

**Ann:** NOT WHAT I MEANT

**Brain Cell Thieves**

**Akira:** Listen.

 **Ryuji:** Bro I don’t know what you could possibly say to explain that except a murder kink

 **Ryuji:** In which case I’m kinkshaming.

 **Akira:** rude

 **Ann:** IM SORRY DO YOU HAVE A MURDER KINK??????????

 **Makoto:** Akira what were you doing in public? You know it’s dangerous

 **Akira:** Meeting up with Ann. Did you even read the messages

 **Ann:** DON’T DOGE THE QUESTION AKIRA

 **Makoto:** Shouldn’t Ann have simply come over to Leblanc. That would have been safer

 **Ann:** That’s what I said.

 **Akira:** Makotooooo, I’ve been cramped in the attic for ages I’m dying

 **Ryuji:** …it’s been like a week dude

 **Akira:** A week too long

**Crush on Akira Support group**

**Makoto:** I’m with Ryuji on this one. You have bad taste in men Ann

 **Ann:** You guys do realise saying that is a self burn as much as it is a roasting of me right?

 **Ann:** You both just admitted you have bad taste in men.

 **Ryuji:** Listen. We been knew Ann.

 **Ryuji:** This is the man that when our one job was not to stand out at the tv station

 **Ryuji:** (Which you all looked at me for)

 **Ryuji:** Said cops were useless on live television

 **Ryuji:** Everyone in this chat is a moronsexual

 **Ann:** …

 **Ann:** shit u rite.

 **Mouse Man:** What’s a moronsexual?

 **Ann:** Attracted to morons

 **Ryuji:** Aka Akira

 **Mouse Man:** Makes sense

 **Haru:** Akira is quite intelligent!

 **Haru:** He just has no common sense at all

**Brain Cell Thieves**

**Ann:** You never answered if you had a murder kink Akira

**Ann changed Akira’s name to Murder Me Daddy**

**Murder Me Daddy:** Now that’s just uncalled for

**Murder Me Daddy changed their name to Nasty Crimeboi**

**Futaba:** Are we doing nicknames now?

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** Sure it could be fun

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** The only reason I haven’t given you guys nicknames is because that requires thought.

 **Ann:** Mouse man obviously didn’t

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** What is it? bully akira hours?

 **Futaba:** Always

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** Before you guys go nuts tho

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** You guys cool if I add Kasumi?

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** I feel kind of bad after turning her down and it seems like she could use the friends

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** And it’s not like we discuss official thief stuff in here.

 **Futaba:** Sure!

 **Futaba:** Someone else to harass!

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** Bullying does not count as flirting futaba.

 **Futaba:** sh

 **Futaba:** shud up.

 **Ann:** Sure, she seems really nice!

 **Makoto:** This is the gymnastics honour student?

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** That’s her

 **Makoto:** I see no problem

 **Haru:** Me neither! She seems lovely!

 **Ryuji:** Yeah that’s chill with me

 **Mouse Man:** if she already knows of the meta nav and personas I see no problem

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** Thanks guys, that’s cool of you

**Nasty Crimeboi added Kasumi**

**Nasty Crimeboi:** Hey Kasumi this is just a chat where we chill out and mostly bitch about palaces

 **Kasumi:** Thank you for inviting me senpai!

 **Kasumi:** Although I can’t say I understand why you did as I’m not a member of the phantom thieves?

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** Yeah but you’re only not a pt member because Shido’s palace is a fucking nightmare. And I don’t think its safe for you as your first palace. Hell, I’ve been benched via outvoting

 **Makoto:** And common sense.

 **Kasumi:** Oh. Why are aren’t you fighting senpai?

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** Because None of these other fiends trust me

 **Haru:** No it’s because we care about you!

 **Haru:** Stop downplaying your injuries it’s not healthy!

 **Haru:** You need to stop destroying yourself for others.

 **Haru:** You just brushed off what happened at the interrogation despite it being clear it was really bad

 **Haru:** You keep trying to jump in at the slightest bit of harm to anyone in the team

 **Haru:** But you ignore the harm you’re already in!

 **Haru:** Yes you’re our leader who we rely on but we don’t want you to kill yourself trying to save us.

 **Haru:** Especially when _we_ aren’t in danger of dying!

 **Ryuji:** Damn Haru snapped

 **Ryuji:** She’s right though

 **Ryuji:** We worry about you dude

 **Futaba:** You try and play it off but I know your ribs are still broken in the metaverse

 **Futaba:** And that you can feel that they are

 **Ann:** Seriously, Akira. We care about you. Let us look after you for once

 **Makoto:** Indeed.

 **Kasumi:** I. was unaware you’d broken ribs. You shouldn’t be fighting with broken ribs Senpai or doing excessive physical activity at all.

 **Mouse Man:** Indeed, you often encourage me to look after myself and yet ignore those principles when applying them to yourselves

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** Okay being told off by Mouse Man is pretty funny

 **Ann:** Don’t you dare doge

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** okay okay. I get it. I’ll look after myself more

 **Haru:** Good.

 **Futaba:** Oh I thought of a good one

**Futaba changed Kasumi’s name to KaShootMe**

**KaShootMe:** …that’s certainly… creative

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** Okay uh, no references to shooting please

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** Wholesome names only

 **Futaba:** …sorry

**Futaba changed KaShootMe’s name to KaCutie**

**Nasty Crimeboi:** Doesn’t work that well but it’s a start

 **Futaba:** Don’t diss my names

 **Futaba:** I can play whatever music I want in promethus

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** Okay listen. I get the whole self-care thing.

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** But sticking me with Futaba is a cruel and unusual punishment

 **Futaba:** Hehe

**Nasty Crimeboi changed Futaba’s name to tech dragon**

**tech dragon:** wtf?

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** You hoard tech like a dragon. your five monitors is your dragon hoard

 **tech dragon:** fair

 **KaCutie:** Oh, thank you Futaba!

 **KaCutie:** This name is very nice

**tech dragon - > Nasty Crimeboi**

**tech dragon:** hnnnnngg

 **tech dragon:** gorl

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** suffer.

**Brain cell Thieves**

**tech dragon changed Mouse Man’s name to Token Furry**

**Nasty Crimeboi:** ,,,you’re not wrong

 **Ann:** SKSKSKSKS

 **Nasty Crimeboi:** I mean. If we’re going off metaverse uniforms,,,

**Nasty Crimeboi changed Ann’s name to Catgirl**

**Catgirl:** I hate you.

 **Ryuji:** eat shit jsksskskk

 **tech dragon:** youre next

 **Ryuji:** oh no oh fuck

**tech dragon changed Ryuji’s name to Alleged straight**

**Alleged straight:** …

**Catgirl changed their name to Thorny Rose**

**Alleged straight changed their name to Captain Kickass**

**tech dragon:** yall are no fun

**Crush on Akira Support Group**

**Thorny Rose:** I forgot you weren’t out to Futaba and Akira wow

 **Captain Kickass:** eh, just didn’t bring it up.

 **Captain Kickass:** and kinda overthought how bringing it up to akira would look

 **Captain Kickass:** and listen Kasumi’s chill but im not sharing that yet

 **Makoto:** of course, don’t pressure yourself.

**Brain cell Thieves**

**KaCutie:** What did you mean by ‘alleged straight’ Futaba-senpai?

 **tech dragon:** okay first. You don’t need to call me senpai

 **tech dragon:** pls don’t actually

**tech dragon - > Nasty Crimeboi**

**Nasty Crimeboi:** so you don’t have a senpai kink huh?

 **tech dragon:** I am going to disembowel you.

**Brain cell Thieves**

**KaCutie:** oh okay sorry Futaba-chan

 **tech dragon:** no problemo

 **tech dragon:** just Makoto and Haru left…

 **Makoto:** don’t you dare

 **tech dragon:** hehe

**tech dragon changed Haru’s name to Floofy**

**Floofy:** that was nice of you Futaba!

**tech dragon changed Makoto’s name to ACAB  
**

**ACAB:** …I

 **ACAB:** actually like this one.


End file.
